unblogger

i just posted a comment on a friend's blog what a shitty blogger i am. i thought i had deleted everything here, but apparently there is something left. i wish i knew what motivates me to delete some entries and leave others in tact. so much has happened since my last entry. but maybe 10 years from now, the size of the gaps in my entries will seem relatively small and i will be thankful for these small glimpses of fragmented tossed fucking salad that is my mediocre life.

"You cannot be fulled loved if you are not fully known. You can only be loved to the extent that you are known. You can only be completely loved if you are completely known."- John Ortberg

"It is impossible to overemphasize the need people have to be listened to, to be taken seriously, to be understood. No one can develop freely and find a full life without feeling understood by at least one person."- Paul Tournier

foolishness

i once believed in a transcedant love. i believed in soul-mates. two people drawn together by some cosmic force, such that nothing could keep them apart. i once believed, in the foolishness of my youth, that i had found him. but i let him go, for reasons i won't go into now. but for years, i tortured myself for letting go of the person i though was perfect for me. but the older i get, the more i realize there's no such fucking things as soul mates and it was me just romanticizing a bunch of bullshit. i finally realized that it's a good damn thing we didn't stay together anyway, because he probably would have destroyed me. i'm too fragile. i should just be alone. but it's too late for that anyway.

anyway, here's a snippet of some romantic bullshit i wrote. it's all crap anyway. but when i write, as when i read, i experience an alternate reality where i can have whatever i want. and that brings me a modicum of happiness.


in a place beyond the physical
beyond the tangible
there is a love that dwells
one soul, rent in two
by a force greater than
the love once bound.


there' s bunch bullshit after that, but it's what i used to believe. what a crock of shit.
oh goody, it's time to go to church.

youth

youth...

my soul not yet fettered by the burden
of knowledge and experience

naive enough to believe
that love would last eternal
and it would be enough

naive enough to believe
that by sheer force of will
life would be glorious

all because i willed it

naive enough to believe almost anything...


NAIVETY IS DEAD AND I HAVE NOTHING LEFT TO BELIEVE IN

scribbles

i'm given to going through periods of randomly scribbling down snippets of thoughts. some profound (i think), some banal. i'll go for years without writing, then write like a mad person and then stop of again. my senior year in college, my comp teacher informed me i missed my calling as a writer. i keep toying with the idea. but like everything else in my life, it won't amount to anything because i lack the will and the planning skills to accomplish much of anything.

anyway, most of the scribbles get lost so i finally decided to buy a journal and keep it somewhere handy. most of what i write will eventually be ripped out and tossed for fear of recrimination and questions from my husband. some erotic, some angry, some fantasy, some memories i can't forget.

but i think i'll blog some of my scribbles starting today.

beauty in childbirth my fucking ass

my body bears the scars of pregnancy and childbirth
girlhood forever gone...

brutalized by the surgeons knife

stretched and torn
maimed

no longer and object of desire

self loathing is all that remains

hope springs eternal

was watching one of my favorite movies from my childhood today. It reminded me of why the world is in such a sad state. It is because the world, like myself, has lost it's hope. Here's the dialog from the Neverending story that made me cry:

G'mork: If you come any closer, I will rip you to shreds.
Atreyu: Who are you?
G'mork: I am G'mork. And you, whoever you are, can have the honor of being my last victim.
Atreyu: I will not die easily. I am a warrior!
G'mork: Ha! Brave warrior, then fight the Nothing.
Atreyu: But I can't! I can't get beyond the boundaries of Fantasia!
[G'mork laughs and Atreyu gets a little angry]
Atreyu: What's so funny about that?
G'mork: Fantasia has no boundaries.
[Laughs]
Atreyu: That's not true! You're lying.
G'mork: Foolish boy. Don't you know anything about Fantasia? It's the world of human fantasy. Every part, every creature of it, is a piece of the dreams and hopes of mankind. Therefore, it has no boundaries.
Atreyu: But why is Fantasia dying, then?
G'mork: Because people have begun to lose their hopes and forget their dreams. So the Nothing grows stronger.
Atreyu: What is the Nothing?
G'mork: It's the emptiness that's left. It's like a despair, destroying this world. And I have been trying to help it.
Atreyu: But why?
G'mork: Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!
Atreyu: Who are you, really?
G'mork: I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing. I was sent to kill the only one who could have stopped the Nothing. I lost him in the Swamps of Sadness. His name... was Atreyu.
[the ground shakes again and Atreyu is knocked down. He grabs a knife shaped piece of broken stone and stands up, ready to fight]
Atreyu: If we're about to die anyway, I'd rather die fighting! Come for me, G'mork! *I* am Atreyu!

I need to remember how to be more like the warrior Atreyu